


Presidents and Assholes and Truth and Regret

by PrettyMessedUpSituation (MarcelinesNightosphere)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean, Card Games, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue Heavy, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Everyone Is Gay, Horrified Sam, M/M, Multi, Stripping, The Author Regrets Everything, not so subtle hints at rpf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-02 23:48:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5268482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarcelinesNightosphere/pseuds/PrettyMessedUpSituation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are drunk hunters, inebriated angels, and their blasted Dad, and this is their story.<br/>[Law and Order music]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Presidents and Assholes and Truth and Regret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Angrysouffle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angrysouffle/gifts).



“How old are you Cas?”

“Well, I’ve existed since shortly after the beginning of all things, so, quite old.”

“Dermatologists must hate you.”

“I have no idea what you’re trying to say, Dean.”

“I think that maybe I should meet up with your dad, now that we're together, and tell him thank you for making such a piece of art.”

“Dean, you do realize that my visage is that of a man in his mid-thirties from Pontiac, Illinois and you admiring my face isn’t really my true face, and that if you saw my true face there would be a high likelihood that you would go blind.”

“You know what would be fun?”

Cas sighs heavily. “What would you find enjoyable?”

“Poker night. You, me, your dad, Gabe, Sam. It would make for a good night.”

 

LATER THAT NIGHT

 **THE LIQUOR AND POKER BAR AND LOUNGE**  
(conveniently located next door to **THE FUZZY CLAM: ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET AND DANCERIA** )

 

“I can’t believe that you guys dragged me down here for this.”

“Oh, come on, Chuck. It’s got to be boring sitting up there, doing...whatever it is you do.” Dean smiles and passes him another beer.

“Hilarious.”

Gabe and Sam arrive at their round corner-table with beers for everyone. Gabe scoots Chuck over with three hip-checks, sliding him to the middle of the table.

“What’s the game, fellas?”

Chuck groaned moaningly. “Can we just keep it simple? I think some of the clams at dinner were bad.”

“I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a good clam in that joint.”

“Dean!” Sam chastises.

“What stripper is named Denise?” Gabe adds scoffingly.

“Whatever, I swear I saw one named Shrimp.”

“I’m pretty sure that was Shireen, Dean. But still, that’s pretty terrible," Gabe agrees admittingly. "Not inventive at all.”

“Seriously thought, who’s idea was it to go to a seafood buffet slash strip club?”

Everyone looks at Dean.

“What? I have interests. And when those interests combine, all the better.”

Cas waves over the waitress. “I need approximately ten shots of alcohol. I don’t care what. If I’m going to tolerate this conversation, I need to imbibe copious amounts of alcohol.”

 

After a couple regular games of poker, Gabe introduces another game. Everyone is drunk already, so they’re down.

“Okay so Presidents and Assholes. Let’s play.”

When Sam is President, he makes a rule that after anything anyone says, they have to say “in my vagina.”

When Cas is President, he makes a rule that after Dean does or says anything, everyone has to point and yell, “ _Love that bisexual!_ ”

When Gabe is President, he makes a rule that Sam has to wear pigtails.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Dean is always the Asshole.

Then, in a terrible turn of events, when Chuck is President, he makes a rule that before everyone’s turn, they have to tell a terrible secret.

First it was Dean’s turn.

“Sam, you’re not my brother. Mom fucked some other guy while she and Dad were separated when I was three. That’s why you’re so bulgy and I’m so pretty. He was a lumberjack.” Dean plays his cards and guzzles a beer.

Sam couldn’t believe it. All these years, and they were only half-brothers. “Well, I fucked Cas.”

Everyone but Chuck gasps.

“What?” Dean asks, then he whips around to Cas.

Cas shrugs. “You were stuck in a heteronormative struggle with maintaining your masculinity and I had curious desires.”

“And not that anyone ever asked, but I’m not straight,” Sam adds. “I’m pansexual. I’m not vanilla either. You don’t want to know the torrid details of the shit I did when I was soulless.”

Chuck knocks back a drink. “I can vouch for that. It was terrible.”

Gabe looks like he’s regretting this game. “Okay, Dad. You’re next.”

Chuck sighs and looks nervous. “Cas, I don’t know if you noticed, but you’re a bit more awkward than your brothers and sisters. You’re the result of what happens when I get really, really high and try to create. All my awkwardness as a being somehow manifested itself in you more intensely than any of the other angels. I was really, really stoned.“ He places a nine of clubs on top of the seven of diamonds. “But if it makes you feel any better, I was on acid when I made Gabe.”

“What the fuck, Dad?”

Chuck patted Gabe’s hand gingerly. “It’s okay, son. It’s okay. You’re far from the worst thing I’ve ever made.”

“This is going to be hard to admit, but I think I need to clear the air since we’re being honest,” Gabe says, fingering his cards. “You know Becky?”

“Becky as in samlicker81 Becky?” Dean asked.

“The Becky that put the Supernatural series on the internet?”

“Becky Rosen as in my ex-girlfriend?”

“-and my...ex-wife?”

Everyone took a big gulp of beer.

Gabe sighs heavily. “It...was me. I was Becky.”

Everyone spat out their big gulps of beer.

“Yeah, the Wincest fanfiction, the ‘tongues battling for dominance,’ the...everything. It was all me.”

“But I’M YOUR DAD," Chuck yelled, horrified.

“Whatever we didn’t ever do anything anyway stop freaking out.”

“But...we got married,” Sam said even more horrified than Chuck, his face blanker than the space in Taylor Swift’s Death Note.

“I know. And it was wonderful. But it was all under false pretenses, and honestly that’s not how I would have wanted our relationship to be anyway. I got in too deep, man. I’m sorry.” Gabe put a Jack of hearts on top of Chuck’s nine of clubs. “You’re up little brother.”

Cas sighs. “I don’t know if I have anything shocking to disclose to you all.”

“Come on, Cas, there’s gotta be something,” Dean says.

Cas looks at his hand and places his cards back facedown in front of him. “I watched you rake leaves.”

“Um, what?”

“I used to watch you rake leaves when you were living with Lisa and Ben.”

Dean scratches the back of his head. “That’s...wow.”

“That’s...the gayest thing I’ve ever heard,” Gabe says.

Cas laid down a two and everyone took another shot to end the round. Then things got a little fuzzy.

Two rounds later the bartender closed down and let them stay after some clever persuading from Gabe and his waggily eyebrows. The next round they were all naked, slamming their cards and drinks on the table, yelling at each other. Sam was wearing a broken part of a coatrack on his head. Cas was walking around naked, pouring beer and making french fries in the deep fryer, which Gabe warned him against doing. Dean had never seen Chuck so lively. He started to really look at Chuck. The gray in his hair, his magnificent beard, his piercing blue eyes that were like a stormy fountain of wisdom. Then the jukebox starts playing “Simple Man” and Dean jumps up, using a pool stick to serenade the group. Chuck joins him. He rips a guitar from the wall and plays, although no one wants to harsh his buzz by telling him that it’s not plugged into anything and making a _thrang...thrang...thrang_ sound instead of whatever music he was hearing in his head. Suddenly, Cas understands why he and Gabe are so fucked up.

The rest of the night is reminiscent of that part in Zoolander where there are midgets and monks and everyone is fucking everyone and it’s beautiful. He was pretty sure Metatron was there, but it might have been the stripper Denise from next door. He hoped it was Denise. Then he hoped it wasn’t. Shudder. Sam and Gabe had disappeared. He remembers the coat rack antlers disappearing in a booth with Gabe in the back corner of the bar. Then there were flashes. Tongues battling for dominance. Beer used as lubrication. Whimpers and whines and purrs. Foreheads touching. Weird sex positions that are so complicated that it’s highly unimaginable that anyone could do that without breaking ribs or ending up in the hospital. But they did it. All of it.

It was a mess.

The next morning when they woke up, they barely looked each other in the eye. Chuck magically cleaned the mess up in an effort to pretend it never happened. Sam cried in the bathroom while throwing up because no one was there to hold his hair. Cas and Dean curled up in the backseat of the Impala. And in an effort to make sure that they would be reminded at least once of their night of drunken confessions and questionable sex, Gabe made shirts on CafePress and ordered one for each of them.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Why for the everlovingfuck does this exist?  
> [SPN Coldest Hits](http://angrysouffle.tumblr.com/post/133716322908/angrysouffle-have-you-ever-struggled-to-get)


End file.
